When I Looked At The Sky

by | Oct 20, 2018 | Writing | 0 comments

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One morning, I drove to the street, looking at the sky.

Blue, clear. I ask myself.

“Why are they so green, and my joy is so short?”


In the evening, I met an acquaintance for a long time. The first question she asked:

“Why are you so thin?”

I also look in the mirror, self-assess, too thin.

So skinny that I was surprised. No dieting, no exercise, and so on.

I also have 52 kgs. Two years ago I weighed 65 pounds. In only two years, without exercising for a week, I automatically lost 13 kg.

I know the reason. All because of thought.

Over the past year, the number of days I slept before 12 o’clock counted only on my fingers. Remaining full awake to 2 hours, 3 hours. Not because I like it, but because I am worried, I can’t sleep.

Worrying like that, but in the end, something that can’t be done is still impossible. I pursued it for 14 months, trying it over and over again, but I ended up admitting to failure today.


I suddenly remembered a friend, asking me how to get a girl he liked.

What the hell do I know how, I can only tell him how women’s psychology is.

He tries.

He gave presents, he took her to play, he invited to watch the movie, he bought durian, he waited, he texted, he asked, he was so worried that she did not answer the message, he drove to her place. at, standing in front of the door, calling her, calling her name, asking her neighbors to ask her questions, wanted to know only one thing: was she safe?

In response, she threw him the message:

“Stop doing that. We’re just friends.”

Finally, I and he must admit.

He is not bad, he is not bad. He is educated, understand psychology, also handsome, has money.

Simply, there are girls who can’t be conquered.

A few months ago, he learned a bitter lesson. I watched, indifferent, I wasn’t him.

So today, God gave me a bitter lesson.

I’m not bad, I’m not bad I tried, I studied, I trained.

Simply, there are things that cannot be conquered.

And I, being a fool, have pursued it, conquered it for over a year now, because of it that insomnia, because it that down to sign, just to get the final result:

“Oh no, you won’t win against me.”


How do I feel?

After 14 months doing nothing else, just pursuing it; after more than 30 million money poured in, after thousands of hours of research?

Sad, but also not sad. Bored, but also not bored. Disappointed, but also not disappointed.

One year of pursuing it, it made me become a person awake. Awake righteous to my failure with it.

Lost then lost. Let’s do another one.

It’s just that, while driving on the road, I looked up at the sky again, wondering why it was so blue, and my joy was so short.

And I ask, when will I ever be able to live satisfactorily.

I want to be as free as the sky, I want to be as peaceful as the sky, but I did not expect, the process to achieve it is so stressful.


But time does not return to us the right to change choices.

I often remember the words of CIS, my idol, he said:

“For me, cutting losses is the best trade.”

I remember I told my friend.

“For you, giving up is the best option.”

And now, maybe every time I look at the sky, I have to myself mutter to myself:

“Retreating is the best decision.”


There it is.

There are things, there are goals, there are dreams, after a while of pursuing, we must admit: The best decision in this is the decision to give up.

And then we are sad.

How can not be sad.

Sadness is not terrible, it is only persistent.

Sad as looking at windy fields in the late afternoon. Sad as see the night sky suddenly pouring rain.

Only had to endure.

Know how to be.

Does anyone so smart not foolish a couple of times, right?

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